Take a Breather!

It has been quite a bit of time since my last blog. So, I’d like to start out with God is bigger than what ever you are going through. I feel like I have been in a whirl wind within the past two months. I don’t like using blogs as diaries, but if I say something that will help someone else, and it is furthering the kingdom of God, why not?

            Since school has started back up (January 6^th or 7^th) I’ve dealt with a lot of past issues, and where I use to be. The devil used a lot of my past to constantly attack me. One of thing was that because I am not a technical virgin, I am not pure. Which is a lie, it has taken me months to get over the fact that I have myself away to someone that is not my husband. I have been made new when I accepted Christ. God forgave me after the times I continued to fornicate when I knew Christ. I had to deal with the true matter of the issue, which was: forgiving myself. There were a lot of immoral things I did, that I am not proud of. Within a few months I have been finding myself in Christ. He has told me that I am redeemed, that I have been justified, that I am His child, and HE LOVES ME. And I want you to know that too. There is NOTHING that you can do to make Him stop loving you.

            I've realized that I have not fully given my life over to Christ. I have said I have so many times, but I don't think I fully did. We all go through different levels in our walk with the Lord. Sometimes at that time, we truly believe we have given it over, but it slowly comes back to you and you realize you never gave it ALL over to Him. It is also a process that takes a lot of time. It has been 6-7 months since my ex broke up, and I finally started dealing with a lot of stuff that happened in that time period. I finally submitted myself to Christ, and have been being more serious about my relationship with Christ. I WANT to know Him, I WANT to love Him, and I WANT to please Him. So many people want to do things because they feel it is right. And you know, I went through the motions, and it helps you get by. But are you truly committed yourself to the Lord like He asks you to? I know it is a struggle. Every. Single. Day. I fight, righting to make sure that there is more of Him and less of me. I am fleshy, and I am weak. I try my best to draw all of my strength from the Lord, and I boast about His love. I want to tell you that there is NO love like Christ’s love for you. I have searched. I tried to find it through sex, I tried to find it in people, and I’ve tried to find it in working, in success. But there is nothing in this world that will complete you, only Jesus Christ can. You can find temporary satisfaction where ever you go. It’s easy to find an easy fix in sex, in eating, in spending money, etc. But all of these are sin driven, and will lead you to place you do not want you to go.

 

            With all of that being said, I know I am flawed, and I know that I am not perfect. I also know NOW, that there is no man on this earth that satisfies me the way Jesus Christ can. And I wouldn’t tell someone to that standard because it’s impossible. Something that I have had an issue with is how to deal with singleness. I was in a relationship for the majority of 6 years, and before that I had dated off and on since I was 13. I often made the comment I wanted to be single, but would not find the total satisfaction in being single. Sometimes it is like I have had mixed feelings about it. I see people around this campus dating, but for me at this time, I know that the Lord has a lot of fixing and healing to do in my heart before I am ever ready to date. I’ve also been through a lot of heart ache, and have become a bit wise. I’m not, and refuse to date to date. I read a book, I think it was The Sacred Search by Gary Thomas, and it often mentioned “Seek first the kingdom of God”. I find so many people that get lonely and they just date to date. They want that high that “love” or “lust” can bring and sometimes they set aside their morals and values to do so. When you put your trust in Christ, He will bless you way beyond those temporary satisfactions. I feel God has directly told me who I am supposed to be with multiple times, but I often wonder if it is my foolishness of wanting to be with such a Godly man. I often just pray for His will to be done, and for my focus to be on Christ and to seek Him out throughout the day, not some crush. If it is truly God’s will, it will happen in His perfect timing.

            I feel it is very true when I’ve been told when God is with you the most, Satan always tries to attack. After having an amazing Spiritual High from being with my church family, and just being one with Christ, I came back to school and became drained fast. I was pulling 4-5 hour nights for three nights in a row, and was asked by Christ to fast. Now, I like my food and I have never fasted in my entire life, so I had no clue what I was going to do. I also had no idea what I was really doing while I did it. Haha I went 32 hours without eating anything. I drank all water and about 8 oz of Pink Lemonade that was it. Now don’t think I am some skinny girl, because I’m not. I weigh approximately around 240, and have had issues with low blood sugar. I felt like it was a test to see how much I truly believed in God. And He gave me sustenance. After the experience I felt like I could witness to people who would have never done something like that. I also am giving blood for the first time Tuesday. Let me tell you, I HATE needles, and I HATE seeing blood. But I am getting out of my comfort zone. How can we truly grow without stepping out on faith (when He tells you do something that is), and fully trust He is going to take care of you? Give it all to Him. Walk out on faith. He will guide you and see you through. Seek His face. It is when we look away, that we fall. He wants to do so many different things inside of us, but because we are so afraid, we try to handle things ourselves. And we can’t do that. We are not giving it over when that happens. Keep God first! He will stretch and grow you in sooo many ways, if you just allow Him to.

Breaking Up and Dating

              

           Within the past year and a half a lot has happened. I developed a relationship with Christ in the spring of 2011, but I was in a long term relationship with someone who was a non-believer. Even though I was told this: "Do not be unevenly yoked with unbelievers.”- 2 Corinthians 6:14 I didn’t want to listen to it. I ended up having a constant battle with myself because I knew it was wrong. After a ton of frustration, abuse, and multiple breaks I finally ended it in August. We were together for a total of 5 years (without breaks), we were engaged, we lived together, and we both gave something physical to each other we could not get back. There are days I can go without thinking about him, and then there are times when it’s just rough to make it through. What gets me is even though we treated each other so badly; I still miss him at times. I know I am worth more, and have been treated better. From my experience the more effort, the more time, and the more of yourself you put into a relationship the worse it is going to hurt when it ends. The “It will never happen to me” mentality will hurt you in the end. I remember saying that so much in High School and took risks with sex, alcohol, and so many other things. You can do two things after a break up: you can hide it, but it will eventually spill over into all aspects of your life, and you will have a ton of bitterness in your heart. Or you can humble yourself and lay it all at the feet of God and learn from your mistakes. You’ve got to know He is the only one that will fill the void in your heart, the only one that will truly complete you. After the heart ache I’ve dealt with all situations I put myself into don’t do it to yourself. You are worth more. God values you more than that. God wants every part of you, not just pieces you pick and choose to give. He sees everything and hears everything. But it’s up to you to talk to Him. After being in a situation like this all you can do it move on, let God heal you, and know that He has something better in store for you.

            My dating experience hasn’t been extravagant, but I can tell you a few things. Here is my compilation:

1. God needs to be first-do not date a non-believer

            I dated a guy that didn’t believe in Christ. Our morals and values were not the same. At first we first met we didn’t care, because we were sixteen. Later on in the relationship I became a Christian. It was a constant battle because I wasn’t the same person I was when coming to Christ. I didn’t want to do the same things I did before and he disregarded my feelings. God told us to not be unevenly yoked for a reason. 2 Corinthians 6:14 It’s because He doesn’t want to see us get hurt. I wish I would have listened.

2. Make a Quality or Characteristic List

            You are making the perfect dream man/woman, but you are making expectations. But I am being serious. Make a list of qualities you want in a man. Not those silly superficial qualities like rich, nice car, hot guns, etc. I’m talking like down to earth, family man, hardworking, servant’s heart, money management, etc. Doing this and resorting back to this list when you begin to crush on someone will save a lot of heart ache. Don’t just make the list; also pray for these qualities in your future husband/wife.

           

3. Best Friends

            Honestly this is where I have messed up so many times. The best and strongest relationships start when two people are friends, or are well acquainted before dating. If you start a relationship without knowing a lot about someone it can be doomed from the start. You are committing yourself to someone that you don’t know and that is very  dangerous. Take your time, and go slow, make sure you listen to God and do everything needs to be with His timing and not your own.

4. Boundaries 

            There needs to be some physical boundaries. Though every couple is different and has their own set of boundaries, but after losing my virginity and knowing my struggles (and many others), and from what God continues to reveal to me, I don’t believe anything   physical should happen until marriage. The more physical stuff involved the worse it’s  going to hurt, because it’s more of you that you are giving away. Yea, sure it feels nice at the time, but it will end up wrecking you in the end. Save the stuff for marriage, save it   for the special one that God will bring to you with His timing. Kissing, and other things are huge temptation for other things, you do not want desires to be in your heart if you are trying to stay pure. Learn everything about the person, just not sexually. Save it for marriage kids!

5. Do not Worship together

            This leads to feeling bound to a person. There is such an intimacy involved from reading the word together, or worshipping together. Honestly this is going to sound weird (but I never understood it until it happened to me) it is like spiritual sex. This should only be something that should be done with your husband. Not your “I know I am going to marry him one day” boyfriend.

6. Isolation

            When dating, or becoming involved with someone, people tend to isolate themselves  from vital relationships because they are so attached to that special person. This is where    self-control comes in. You have to learn how to say, “I need to hang with the girls,” “I need to do homework,” etc. So many times couples become so wrapped up in themselves that other relationships get damaged and when said couple breaks up, it can be difficult for the isolated relationships to be repaired.

I’m not sure if you have agreed with any of these tips, but this is what I have picked up from experience or have learned from books I’ve read. Speaking of which if you haven’t read “I Kissed Dating Good-bye” by Joshua Harris, it is a must read. And will change your view on dating completely. And I mean this when I say it, if you are struggling with something like this, come and talk to me. I put this stuff on here in hopes of someone reading this and saying “I’m not the only one struggling.” I believe I went through these things for a reason. E-mail me fb message me whatever. I’ll be praying for you. Love you all. <3

Only the Beginning

Fair warning before you start to read this. This is part of my testimony, it is somewhat graphic, and is extremely intense. I am only telling you these things in hopes to reach out to others, and also for others to reach out to me. Like Brethren should do.

I am a new Christian. I just started going to church of April 2011, and I know that I have changed a lot. I think people can see it, but I have so much work to do. The relationship I was recently in took me on an emotional roller coaster ride. I thought a lot of things, but I never said in fear of being rejected and cast aside. But in a relationship your significant other should serve as one of your best friends. And best friends shouldn’t be afraid of letting their voice heard. I made mistakes when I was a teen. I did things that teens shouldn’t do. I lost my virginity at the age of 16. I partied when I 20, and was a victim of rape. Some of these events caused me to shelter myself, I felt forced into a depression. I got all the way up to 290 lbs. I was not happy, or healthy, and I often contemplated suicide. In January of 2011 I was in a car accident, and I should have died. Um, long story short, I had someone whisper to me and tell me to make a split decision while driving the car, I followed what He said and I made it out of the car accident with only a bruise from my seat belt, scars, and memories. The car was totaled. After the accident I was extremely shook up. I didn’t understand why I was alive. I didn’t understand why my life was so important. This was also when my boss took on a huge role in my life. Things started happing inside my heart that at the time I couldn’t quite understand. I started to feel a sense of purpose. I made it through the car accident and because of, I knew there was some higher purpose for my existence.

                From experience I know a lot of people have a tendency to believe that they are perfect because they are a Christian, but that’s not what it’s about at all. It’s about the relationship that we share with our Lord and Savior. It’s about talking to Him, and finding out what our purpose is, and being obedient when He asks us to do things. And if we do not do exactly what we are suppose to do, talk to God. Ask for guidance; ask for courage and support to do what is right. And also for strength to walk away from what is evil, and what is weighing you down. Jesus Died for our sins. That means that He knows we will sin, He knows that we are not perfect. All we can do is our best. Surround yourselves with like minded people, and support others like you would your family. Essentially that is what we are. I also want to mention that when you get to a point that you don’t know what to do or where to go, contact me. Get a hold of me, and I will try my best to help you, and to pray with you. I do not know all of the answers, I never will, but my ears are open.