It has been quite a bit of time
since my last blog. So, I’d like to start out with God is bigger than what ever
you are going through. I feel like I have been in a whirl wind within the past
two months. I don’t like using blogs as diaries, but if I say something that
will help someone else, and it is furthering the kingdom of God
Since
school has started back up (January 6th or 7th) I’ve
dealt with a lot of past issues, and where I use to be. The devil used a lot of
my past to constantly attack me. One of thing was that because I am not a
technical virgin, I am not pure. Which is a lie, it has taken me months to get
over the fact that I have myself away to someone that is not my husband. I have
been made new when I accepted Christ. God forgave me after the times I
continued to fornicate when I knew Christ. I had to deal with the true matter
of the issue, which was: forgiving myself. There were a lot of immoral things I
did, that I am not proud of. Within a few months I have been
finding myself in Christ. He has told me that I am redeemed, that I have been
justified, that I am His child, and HE LOVES ME. And I want you to know that
too. There is NOTHING that you can do to make Him stop loving you.
I've realized that I have not fully given my life over to
Christ. I have said I have so many times, but I don't think I fully did. We all go through different levels
in our walk with the Lord. Sometimes at that time, we truly believe we have
given it over, but it slowly comes back to you and you realize you never gave
it ALL over to Him. It is also a process that takes a lot of time. It has been
6-7 months since my ex broke up, and I finally started dealing with a lot of
stuff that happened in that time period. I finally submitted myself to Christ,
and have been being more serious about my relationship with Christ. I WANT to
know Him, I WANT to love Him, and I WANT to please Him. So many people want to
do things because they feel it is right. And you know, I went through the
motions, and it helps you get by. But are you truly committed yourself to the
Lord like He asks you to? I know it is a struggle. Every. Single. Day. I fight,
righting to make sure that there is more of Him and less of me. I am fleshy,
and I am weak. I try my best to draw all of my strength from the Lord, and I boast
about His love. I want to tell you that there is NO love like Christ’s love for
you. I have searched. I tried to find it through sex, I tried to find it in
people, and I’ve tried to find it in working, in success. But there is nothing
in this world that will complete you, only Jesus Christ can. You can find
temporary satisfaction where ever you go. It’s easy to find an easy fix in sex,
in eating, in spending money, etc. But all of these are sin driven, and will
lead you to place you do not want you to go.
With all of
that being said, I know I am flawed, and I know that I am not perfect. I also
know NOW, that there is no man on this earth that satisfies me the way Jesus
Christ can. And I wouldn’t tell someone to that standard because it’s
impossible. Something that I have had an issue with is how to deal with
singleness. I was in a relationship for the majority of 6 years, and before
that I had dated off and on since I was 13. I often made the comment I wanted
to be single, but would not find the total satisfaction in being single.
Sometimes it is like I have had mixed feelings about it. I see people around
this campus dating, but for me at this time, I know that the Lord has a lot of
fixing and healing to do in my heart before I am ever ready to date. I’ve also
been through a lot of heart ache, and have become a bit wise. I’m not, and
refuse to date to date. I read a book, I think it was The Sacred Search by Gary
Thomas, and it often mentioned “Seek first the kingdom of God
I feel it
is very true when I’ve been told when God is with you the most, Satan always
tries to attack. After having an amazing Spiritual High from being with my
church family, and just being one with Christ, I came back to school and became
drained fast. I was pulling 4-5 hour nights for three nights in a row, and was
asked by Christ to fast. Now, I like my food and I have never fasted in my
entire life, so I had no clue what I was going to do. I also had no idea what I
was really doing while I did it. Haha I went 32 hours without eating anything.
I drank all water and about 8 oz of Pink Lemonade that was it. Now don’t think
I am some skinny girl, because I’m not. I weigh approximately around 240, and
have had issues with low blood sugar. I felt like it was a test to see how much
I truly believed in God. And He gave me sustenance. After the experience I felt
like I could witness to people who would have never done something like that. I
also am giving blood for the first time Tuesday. Let me tell you, I HATE
needles, and I HATE seeing blood. But I am getting out of my comfort zone. How
can we truly grow without stepping out on faith (when He tells you do something
that is), and fully trust He is going to take care of you? Give it all to Him.
Walk out on faith. He will guide you and see you through. Seek His face. It is
when we look away, that we fall. He wants to do so many different things inside
of us, but because we are so afraid, we try to handle things ourselves. And we
can’t do that. We are not giving it over when that happens. Keep God first! He will
stretch and grow you in sooo many ways, if you just allow Him to.
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